This is for those of you who are single and feeling like there’s simply no one for you. I felt that way too.
I am nearly 53 years old and I have been out and dating for 30 years. In that time, I’ve had what I would consider to be three great relationships. Yes, I’ve dated and “dated” a lot more than 3 men, but these three men were the ones that I loved back and thought were ‘it’.
The first one I met in autumn 1986 when I just discovered that I was gay. I was studying in London at the time and we met at the London Lesbian and Gay Center. He was amazing and we spent two months together. It was really storybook including one of the best moments of my life – riding on the back of his motorcycle around the West End in the early evening.That love theme from “Superman” played in my head although the Eurythmics’ “Miracle of Love” was the song I always associate with us.
When we broke up, I was devastated – the story is too long to tell here but it took me a long long time to get over losing him. But, years later, it took finding out that we had a special connection that he didn’t have with the guy he would be with for 25 years.
That seemed to heal my broken heart.
The second guy, I met at a bar in LA in 1997. We had a great two and a half years together but it was definitely falling a part about a year and a half into it and after I’d agreed to marry him. Looking back I wish we’d broken up sooner if only to spare us both a lot of pain. He was kind of a by the book kind of person and I knee deep in my golden era of being involved in the porn industry and leather community – I was having the time of my life producing fundraising events, writing columns for xxx mags, touring around the country, and emceeing a weekly show in WeHo. But when we broke up, I was devastated. Still, I was the better for having loved and been loved by him.
He provided me a firm foundation during those years and I think that I needed that. And, for what it’s worth, I think I helped him too – I got him out of his comfort zone and as time went by, I discovered that he became a lot less rigid. The song “Always On My Mind” would be a great soundtrack song for this relationship.
The third guy, I met at a funeral in 1997 and we had three first dates … it started off great and we were great friends, but eventually I realized that we were more like brothers than lovers. And, given that my brother is a total buttwipe, I learned for the first time in my life what it meant to have a brother.
In summer 2014, I met a guy in Chicago that I thought would be ‘it’… and when it wasn’t, I fell into a very deep depression. It didn’t help that my corporate day job was pretty stressful. I stopped going to the gym, I had stopped bingo, and I was feeling pretty awful. But then, after having what I thought was a heart attack at Christmastime that year, I decided that enough was enough and that it was time to get back in shape.
So for all of 2015, I made time for the gym. Once I got some of my mojo back, I started dating again. In fact, at one point, I sorta kinda was dating five different guys. I referred to them as my Five Guys – because they were all delicious.
Ultimately, though, I took a long hard look at myself. I decided that finding a lover/husband was not something that was going to happen for me. That maybe I wasn’t going to meet anyone. Anyone for me. That maybe, just maybe, if there had been someone for me, he would have found me by now, right? Or I would have found him. God knows I’ve looked enough and put myself out there enough! I also thought that maybe my ‘soulmate’ had died before I could meet him.
So, although I was dating the ‘five guys’, I resolved that I wasn’t going to take any of this that seriously anymore and that I was going to turn my attention instead into work, my gym time (which would, of course, help me get laid more often), my creative stuff and so on. I knew that getting laid wasn’t the same thing as being in a relationship but rather than continue to bang my head against a wall, I would just accept it and move on.
And so as part of that, I installed the Scruff app on my phone. Despite my history, I’m not a big fan of hooking up for a number of reasons, but in my new “couldn’t give a fuck” attitude, I would just focus on having a little fun.
I was mildly interested. A friend who lives in the Bronx showed up unexpectedly to hang out so I told the guy that we would have to wait. A few hours later, I lazily picked the phone back up. He was still on and revved up and ready to come over. He was on my doorstep like 20 minutes later.
That was Jan 3 2016. He moved in in October and we are very happy (I mean, except for my excruciating agony of not working). The things that every other roommate who has ever lived with me that annoyed the crap out of me are now ‘cute little things’ that he does. It’s funny how that happens.
Every day I learn new things about him and our history has interesting overlaps and we have a common background.
I post this not to brag – but to illustrate that I was sure I would never ever be with anyone again. I was in agony, I was so lonely. I would even be jealous of people I knew who were in relationship with multiples as I was like “hey.. share! you don’t get seconds til everyone gets firsts!” lol 😉
So, today is Valentine’s Day. So, you’re single. Have a friends night. Or if there’s someone you like, ask them out even if you’re never the one who asks someone out… in fact, esp if youre not someone who usually asks someone out, do it. The worst that they can say is ‘no’. OR spend the evening concentrating on some self care/love. Call a friend who is also single and do something fun with them.
But it’s not over for you until it’s over for your life.
Recently, boyfriend number 3 broke up with his newish boyfriend and lamented, “I’m 50 and out of shape, who will want me!!” and my answer is – you’ll never know until you put yourself out… because unless you’re looking to date the dominoes pizza guy, it’s unlikely that they’ll come to you.
Unless you’re on Scruff… then apparently they will deliver themselves!
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