Category Archives: EYE WITNESS NEWS

PSA: Serial Conman, Matthew Attenborough, Still at Large – How YOU Can Help

Five years ago, I first reported on the gay serial conman who had targeted men across the breadth of the country.

Reports from a reliable source inform me that he’s at it again and in an area where, due to social stigma and closeted sexuality, men are more unlikely to report that they have fallen victim.

This is a link to my original story on the fraudster:

Here is a follow up story which was written two years ago:

My source has given me the following information and advice on how to report the crimes committed, if you are one of these unfortunate victims or if you have any information that may lead to bringing him to justice.

“It seems that serial fraudster Matthew Attenborough has re-emerged. He seems to still be using his Ruairi O’Laoghaire alias.

I’ve covered Attenborough’s antics before. He targets vulnerable gay and bisexual men on applications such as Scruff, Growlr and Grindr. Builds trust then steals, property, bank details even identities. He has destroyed lives and left people in precarious financial positions due to illegal activities.

There have been numerous reports of him conning and stealing from vulnerable gay men in the North West of England and Northern Ireland.

Community workers and Police are concerned there may be a number of victims particularly in Northern Ireland who would have reservations about reporting incidents to the Police.

If you have been the victim of a theft or fraud by this man, don’t let him get away with it, call Police on 101.

If you are fearful of reporting this to Police or you are worried what impact it could have on your life you can report anonymously via the Rainbow Project’s advocacy service.

Contact their advocacy officer on 02890319030 or

Matthew Attenborough has no regard for the men he steals from by not reporting this you are enabling him to continue his campaign of theft and fraud against others.”

Please either contact the police or report through Rainbow Project’s advocacy service.





A woman went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.

She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.

Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:

This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:

Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.


Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.


Brought to you by EYEWITNESS NEWS



A groundbreaking survey into the cybersocialworld has found that YOU are spending way too much time on facebook and that your real life, involving real social skills and human interaction, is gradually and inevitably fading to a point of no return. It is believed that sooner than you imagined possible your dried, shrivelled corpse will be discovered by worried family members who will have to peel your decayed skin from the laptop keyboard before discarding you in your cyber less tomb. This is not a warning to be taken lightly. Get out of your home and breathe some air for a day, talk to a human being (orally oo-Er) and poke someone for real! You might just enjoy it.



INDUSTRY NEWS: there’s a rumour making the rounds that a company actually exists where the executives listen to staff and respond with neither sarcasm nor Incomprehension –


an insider from this company claims that he is actually treated like a human being.

These rumours are yet to be verified as accurate but there is hope and we all need that as another week begins.



Christopher Bates had unsuccessfully struggled to suppress his libido and the primal urges that are foisted upon all men, from satan (according to his mother), for a number of years. He’d tried every approach to resist the evils of human nature, yet had, even with medication, therapy and a right hand boxing glove, failed to end his years of self-abuse. Following a shameful episode at the office, where bizarre internet sites had been flagged as inappropriate, and when senior management had intervened, young Master Bates was obliged to attend an intensive psycho-sexual therapy course at a well-known London clinic. We, at EYE WITNESS NEWS, wish him well in his rehabilitation but this reporter questions, “WILL HE REALLY PULL IT OFF?!”

This report was brought to you by our puntastic reporter, David E Watters, for EYE WITNESS NEWS.



Report brought to you by David E Watters – EYE WITNESS NEWS

Unfortunately, Steve Miller from Fat Families failed to convince both myself and anyone else who had tuned in to his SKY LIVING show today. The condescending, former fatty claimed to “not be one to mince his words” – oh really? I think you’ll find that mincing is top of the Miller menu…ooh dear – when will you accept yourself as you are, as Morrissey once said from inside a closet.



Report brought to you by David E Watters – EYE WITNESS NEWS

BREAKING NEWS (TO ME AT LEAST): please tell me I’m not the only one who thought that the talented booming-voiced, less hairy version of actor Brian Blessed, space travelling Patrick Stewart was GAY? He is allegedly heterosexual and, according to his fiancé Sunny, he’s quite good at it! Well, well well…I wonder what made me think that he was a non-heterosexual. Surely not just wishful thinking. He’d never have married me and at least now I have a palatable reason as to why. He bats for the other side, the filthy boy.


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